Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
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He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
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I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
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