I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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