Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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