The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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