So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
