Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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