I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
