i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
