who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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