Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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