I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
