youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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