she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
