Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
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