So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
