I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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