so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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