And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
