I wish my penis had an off switch
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
