Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
