Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
