the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
