I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Randomize
