I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
There's always time for handjobs
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
