someone threw a dead crab at me
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
