my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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