Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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