Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
