When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
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