I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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