I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
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