I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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