your thong is hanging out like whoa
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
