I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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