meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize