We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
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He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
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I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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