I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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