your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Randomize
