Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
