I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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