Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
