this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
