Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
