I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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