dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Randomize
