remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Randomize
