My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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