Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Randomize
