My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
