I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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