Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I want to fling myself into the sun
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
