Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
