So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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