the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
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