I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
