I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
