I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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