Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
