I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
