he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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