I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
