I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
